August 23rd marked the day that I might have held little Franklin in my arms. I spent the entirety of it in a whirlwind of chores – excessive laundry, weeding, dishes, de-icing the fridge, repairing clothes, anything I could think of that needed doing. Zach was away that week, and knowing that there would be no special moment to share on that day might have pushed me to keep from dwelling on the day’s significance. As my busyness persisted, there lurked this growing heat in the corner of my heart.
Once I laid Oscar down for the night, I finally slowed down to let the fire ignite in my chest. Tears of a longing sorrow forge a path down my cheeks – one that I will never move past. But with that sorrow came a bright new revelation: For quite a while I thought my pain was all I had to hold onto to keep my little one’s memory alive in my heart. But now, I see that although he will not be physically present in my life, his existence has changed the rhythm of my heartbeat. Mingling among those sorrowful tears are the ever-evolving tears of an increasingly grateful joy.
I have been staring at this hazy picture for so long, it seems, trying to make out what I’m looking at, and at the end of a long 9 months, I can surely say I will never fully know, and I am finally okay with that. But parts have and will come into focus: Franklin. My journey of sanctification. A deeper relationship with Christ, and an improved understanding of his heart and character. I think I once assumed that the subject figure in the picture must have been me. I can see now that I am far from the subject. As a matter of fact, many other figures have come into focus. And you are there. And Christ stands out above all of it.
Whether I would have recognized it or not, the creator of the universe will not waste a single tear. His ultimate longing for all the world is that we would look away from death and come into his kingdom. His ultimate longing for those in his kingdom is that they would know him and make him known. And he wants you to know the depth of his love for you.
On this new day, I thought about all of the pain I’ve endured and seen loved ones endure, and I could do nothing but rejoice. Through the pain, through the tears, through the uncertainty, I could only focus on how in control our heavenly father is of all things. He is not surprised. I could think of all the if-only’s I want. I could continue to think that my plan is better and that things should have gone just the way I imagined they should…but all to only add a dose of anguish, pride, and fear to my trials.
Had I not lost my little Franklin, had I not suffered alongside all those who have suffered greatly this year, I most certainly would still be living in worry, fear, and doubt. I would certainly not have been knocked down so many rungs on my pride ladder, and I would certainly have continued to trust in my own heart over that of God’s.
And still, even knowing so much of the great things God has done in my heart over the last many months, I have no idea just how great his works have been and will be. Somehow I just know that I can hardly see the start of it. But all of this was written in his book before I came into existence, and his plans go well beyond you and me. And I get to carry his heart with me as I speak his beauty out to the world which I love dearly because he loves it dearly.
You were always in this picture, and it is a masterpiece. The only if-only I have left to ponder is, “If only we knew just how much he loves us…” If we knew, what amazing feats could we accomplish in his name? But that only leaves more to marvel at, because of course his heart for us is infinite.
My prayer today is that whoever you are, reading this right now, you would be blessed by the almighty God who created the vastness of the universe and the intricacies of your unique soul, that you would experience a love like you’ve never known…the love of the savior, who thought of you as he drew in his final breaths. I pray that all could see and revel in the glory of such an immeasurable and fully capable God. Put your trust into his hands. I can say with utmost confidence that he will never, ever leave you.
My meek little boy left a mighty impression on my heart. I have much to be thankful for.
My Blessing To Bear 